Tired

She’s tired…

Tired of everything happening around her. Times are trying, but she’s tired of feeling nothing and the unexplainable feeling of wanting to cry… ‘Am I Sad? I don’t understand why I have the overwhelming feeling like I want to… no, need to cry! It’s not like I feel anything inside.’ She’s numb… she doesn’t feel anything, she just feels empty. So, then why does all she want to do is curl up and cry. At this point she is just going through the motions of life. Wake up, get ready, eat, do some form of work and then go back to sleep… it feels like groundhog day.

She’s tired…

Tired of being treated like shit. It’s easy to pass off the blame and she knows that but why does it have to be her? She knows times are stressful… she knows they can be trying, ‘but do you have to take that stress out on me? You wonder why I’ve become so hostile over time… you wonder why I’ve become mean and cruel with my words… but you were the ones who taught me.’ She can’t keep smiling and pretending she’s happy, because the truth is she doesn’t know what that word means or even how it feels to be happy.

She’s tired…

Tired of never being enough. She’s not enough for those around her. She’s not pretty, smart, brave, outgoing, happy enough… she fails to meet the insane expectations around her. ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother? Why can’t you be more like your friend, cousin, so on and so forth? You should’ve tried harder… they could’ve done that!’ She sits there looking at them with that blank look… but, it’s not like they notice or care. The truth is they only see her flaws and that’s okay because that’s all she sees too now.

She’s tired…

Tired of crying. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of being knocked down.

The truth of the matter is, she was so tired of feeling that she grew numb… but the saddest part was she didn’t even realise it was happening until one day she was sitting there listening to them shouting and she waited for the wave of sadness, shame or hurt but nothing came… nothing came because she doesn’t have the energy anymore.

But, it’s okay because she knows. So, today she may be too tired, but tomorrow she will wake up and smile… because how does that saying go?

Fake it till you make it.

Mary Kay Ash