Drowning

At the moment in my life, all I feel like I’ve been doing for so long is treading water and it’s exhausting… I can continue to do this because I’m used to it. I’m used to the feeling of drowning and the sense of helplessness, I’ve accepted it. What is difficult watching someone else drowning and trying to help them, but the reality of it all is you can’t help them until you’ve helped yourself.

You also can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. But, let’s face it sometimes that help never really helps. They’re always positive affirmations and sympathy… ‘I know what you’re going through’, ‘I know how you feel’. They help very little, you can never truly understand what another person is going through and how they are feeling about it. Everyone deals with things in their own ways, no two people are the same.

So, as I stand on the ledge ready to jump listening to everything everyone has ever said to me; ‘it’ll get better’, ‘the lower your lows, the higher your highs’, and so many more positive affirmations.

Have faith everything will get better.

That’s something I hear a lot… yeah it does for a moment, but the question is does that moment outweigh all the bad that you face? A moment can change a lot of things and I am lucky that every moment I’ve had has saved me from the darkest places I have ever been, but I don’t know how much longer that will last. My worry is that one day those moments won’t be able to save me anymore.

Get a grip…

Get a grip… You need thicker skin… Do I? After a lifetime of the same treatment and now deciding to break, do I really need a thicker skin or do I need someone to help me? Over the years my parents have switched between sympathetic and almost cruel with the words they’ve said to me. It’s exhausting trying to talk about how you feel with people who are meant to care… so you don’t. This leads to more arguments and repressing more emotions until you are left feeling nothing, until the smallest thing creates a crack in the glass that’s holding everything back and then you’re drowning.

There are people who have real problems.

Does that make my problems any less real? The truth is every time that someone says that to me I feel myself sink a little deeper, because it is true. There are people out there who have it worse than I, but does that make their problems more real than mine? I’m then left feeling guilty for feeling the way I do… then the questions start. ‘Why didn’t you come to me?’ ‘You should have said something, why didn’t you?’. But the answer is…

It’s all in your head.

Maybe it is. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe she didn’t say that. Maybe he didn’t say that. Maybe I thought it was worse than it was. What happens when your always told it’s in your head? What happens when someone tells you it wasn’t and you are left surrounded by all this shattered glass. What if that glass was a form of protection from more weight dragging you down? Maybe it wasn’t all in your head…

They then snap at you and you’re made to feel worse for how you are feeling so you hide away until they come upstairs and they use that soft voice and are all nice. Leaving you with whiplash… they don’t apologise for their words, they don’t apologise for the hurt or pain… they act like it never happened.

Maybe it was all in your head…

But, maybe all those positive affirmations are right. Maybe in time things will get better and maybe having a little faith will help you get through. But, remember just being there and listening is sometimes better than any positive affirmation can be.

So, please remember to be patient with us.